So, I realized I am actually an INFJ

Guess what, I'm actually an INFJ.  Several years ago, I tested INFP, and for the longest time, I was still INFP... until last year.  Skepticism abounds.  Then, I started to learn more about cognitive functions.  Once I got over the initial confusion, I am very certain now that I am a true INFJ, with a very developed Fi (introverted feeling, INFP's dominant function).  Reading about the INFJ personality type opens my eyes to why I am the way I am.  It's so liberating.

The above text practically sums up how I feel about loneliness.  As I mature, I understand that loneliness is not about the lack of friends or relationships; it's all about the lack of true connection.  All my life, I yearn for someone to understand me on a deeper level, someone who truly cares.  Because I absolutely do the same thing for them.  When I ask "Are you alright?", I mean it.  Relationship, to me, is no trivial matter... I don't play around with emotions.  My mind, however, is ultra-complicated.  To explain an idea or vision to a friend requires some skilled verbal capability, something I'm still not good at.  Sometimes though, the ideas that I have exceed my ability to express for comprehension, hence my quietness.  I used to think I am antisocial.  Now, I know I'm just highly sensitive.  A chaotic world filled with so many unspoken nuances overwhelms my mind on a daily basis.  That's why, I walk slowly, think carefully and choose intently.  If I don't do that, I risk depleting the little energy I have for my own self in order to help others.  Such is a life of an INFJ *sighs*...

Two weeks of depletion

Have you ever been in a tunnel?  Having tight, damp, uneven, lightless barrels of stepping rocks that close in on you mercilessly, wandering a path of unending weary and fear?  Of being submerged violently under seizing water, mind numbed, eyes slammed shut, your hair entangling you, tighter, and tighter...  Of walking amidst hazy fog, fragments of your daily activities trickled in, like sand racing down an hourglass, only to disappeared, pouf, into nothingness milliseconds later?
Such were my states of mind for the last two weeks.
You see... life is definitely intriguing.  I was strong and fierce and valiant one moment, only to have all of them built facade shattered once my heart decided to have a break.
I could not help it.  After all, I am a creature that lives off of intense feelings.  Who asked to be born highly sensitive?  In my forever-racing brain, my greatest asset and gift is also my biggest curse... this sensitivity will forever be a part of me.
I was entirely depleted of positive energy.  The intense sadness I felt reduced me into a messy slump.  Still, that slump persevered, to thrived back stronger and all the more resilient.
I have never felt as content, humble, confident, and blessed as I am of today.
Looking forward I realize that, being sensitive ole-me, one day I will have to walk through a depressive period of dark moments again.  What I am hopeful for is that, the duration will get significantly shorter, and shorter, and shorter.
Onto a more positive note: my father will be discharged to a rehabilitation center in Omaha tomorrow.  That will mark the end of his 3 months 3 weeks hospitalization.

Tadaima, minna-san! It's good to be back...

If my calculation is correct, I was away from this blog for 2 years, 8 months, and 4 days.  How time flies!
This place was like home, I've missed it so much.  During the absence, I had moved on to focus entirely on my art blog, and later on, my first real website.  However, like most things in life, those didn't stand the test of time.  Real life gets in the way, you know, those messy, exhausting drills of newly learned responsibilities, of expectations, of unimaginable circumstances, of shattered ego and dreams...
The only thing that matters today though, is that I'm back.  Life is still very difficult, so what.  Tomorrow the sun will shine (or not!), and if I'm blessed to have that tomorrow, I will put out one step, and then another one, and I will heave this body out of the rusted burden of whatever it was the day before, and move forward.  After all, I am alive.  Isn't that good enough?

IT'S MY LIFE

By: Bon Jovi

That's it. I'm so tired of living timidly, surrounding in my own fears.

It's true, God has given me one life... and I feel sad looking back for the last 23 years and I had done nothing, seriously nothing in my life. I was carrying such sad life, and I want no more part in it.

It's now or never, I know what I should be doing now.

Stop the hatred...

I surprised myself for starting to like running now!

The last time I was being over-dramatic by crying over a small remark my mum said about my weight, I cried my eyes out for 1 hour straight when my mum stood by lecturing me about ... everything actually.

That happened a month and a half ago. And truthfully, I'm so grateful my mum scolded me hard, otherwise I'd still sat around pitying myself.

One thing she said that still stays with me until now was that the more I hate something, the more I need to do it. There's no point in crying and giving up. If I fall, stand up again, and again, and again. I told her... mom, I hate running. Please don't force me to run because I hate hate hate it. And she only replied... you need to do it then, and more of it. You won't hate it as much.

At that moment, I despised me mum, and vowed never to run, because I hate it.

But guess what... now I'm beginning to like running, after spending some weeks running (little by little, I started by burning only 100 cal, ran for 5 mins and walked for 10 mins or so.) The last 2 weeks or so I was finally able to up the running scale. Recently I can run for 15 mins straight, burning 400 cals in the process. The most amazing thing is that as soon as I stopped forcing myself to lose as many cals as possible and simply tried to enjoy the act of running, I ended up enjoying it!!!

Me, enjoying running?! I've hated running for so long... but now, now... it feels great to run :D.

That feeling of sweats pouring out from every pore of my body, and that of accomplishment by giving it my all, is so amazing!!! Now, I'm sort of addicted to that feeling that only exercise can bring.

Now, I think clearer, have more energy throughout the day, feel very positively, esp. about my body, have more confidence because I believe I can push myself further. All from the hard scold my dear mum gave to me that one day. So if I can give one advice... that would be: listen to your mother!!! She knows what's best for you.

Yes, I want to lose weight badly. But now I'd stopped thinking about it, only wanting to be as healthy and fit as possible. I'm aware of what I put into my body, and enjoy running and exercising now (I also do yoga, it's a lot of fun too :D). Who knows, by the end of the year I might be 30 lbs slimmer though I'm not too stressed over it, with the way I'm going right now, I believe I will lose weight. We'll see but it's not the goal I'm interested in, but the journey now :). To all of you trying hard to lose weight, start small. You'll get there eventually. Don't compare yourself to others. You're wonderful being who you are, just believe it. And like I said, when you fall, stand up again because you have a lifetime to change. Things will get easier the more you do it. When you hate something, acknowledge it, and let it go, let it go. Hatred does no good to a person. It's so much more free to let go. Once I let go of my fear/hatred for running, I was free and was able to end up enjoying it. See... it's not so hard.

Coffee House :)

This is what I've been watching: Coffee House.

I adore this drama.

You take one crazy writer + one silly secretary who makes the worst coffee in the world + one sexy/successful but lunatic publisher + lots of weird hilarious antics and you will have the basic ingredients for Coffee House. Even the main descriptions said that this drama is about a love triangle, so at the core, this is a true romance, but with a lot more comedy than the average Kdrama. Plus, the sexy/established lead this time isn't a devil girl out to ruin the angelic girl and the main guy's relationship, nope, sorry. She's strong, successful, driven and witty!!! This time around, we have a modern girl who knows what she wants and goes after that, who doesn't sit around weeps pitifully for her poor life and waits for the rescue from a rich powerful man. Everybody is likable in this drama. And am I glad to find that the main lead is not another clueless/poor but kind-hearted heroine who captures the heart of a rich man based on her hard work and heart of gold. This time around, the story explores a different kind of relationship, one that has established long before the drama takes place, and goes deeper to unravel all the secrets the relationship holds that prevent the two main leads from accepting one another. It's so refreshing to be able to watch a Kdrama (beside Alone in Love which is still my absolute favorite) that portrays human's emotions realistically. I'm already at the 10th episode mark and still loving every minute of it :). For now, please enjoy this little MV that has some tidbits from the first 8 episodes:

Cổng Mặt Trời's (Sun's Gate) first impressions

Cổng Mặt Trời (Sun's Gate) is one of the better Vietnamese dramas I have seen in a long time. I wouldn't go so far as to call it the best, because the scripts aren't quite as strong as I'd have like it to be. However, despite its length of 67 episodes, the drama went by quickly, and that was a good sign, proving how addicting this drama was. Sun's Gate drew a wave of young Vietnamese audience back to the TV screen, away from their usual routine of watching Korean/Chinese dramas. The story is simple, it's about a group of 12 young adults in their early twenties going out into the world, with their struggles, tribulations, failures and successes. Yes, there were 12 main actors for this drama, and most of them got equal screen time. The success of Sun's Gate goes back to the story, it's very Vietnamese. The dialogues, the interactions, thoughts, everything was purely Vietnamese. This drama didn't try to imitate the trendy dramas from Korea or HongKong or anywhere else in the world. It was funny, heartfelt, genuine and authentic. With its sincerity in depicting lives of these Vietnamese students from a purely Vietnamese view, no attempt to imitate or use cheap trendy gimmicky situations to draw the audience in, it actually succeeded. The beginning was so hilarious it left me in stitches from laughing so hard, and every time I remember about the drama, I couldn't help but smile. A good Vdrama worthy of recommendation!