Fallen Angel on Books...

I'm reading some good books lately. Let's see, I finished not too long ago the first in a trilogy by Suzanne Collins called The Hunger Game. It was a great book and after I got to the last page I found myself hopping onto Amazon to order the second one right away which was just released not too long ago. I guess I was fortunate to read The Hunger Game later than most people, hence I didn't have to wait for long for the publish of the second one: Catching Fire :). But now I'm engaging myself in another huge novel, a second one by one of my new favorite authors Carlos Zafon: The Angel's game. Let me tell you, I'm looooving it so far. As far as I know, I wasn't that drawn into it as much as the first book I read of this author The Shadow of the Wind, but this one really is going in a new direction and still is very good on its own. At the same time, I'm reading another book (at a more leisure pace since this book is a difficult read) by Haruki Murakami, another favorite author of mine, and the book is called Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. Some people don't care much for this book but I found myself liking it a tad bit more than his other works in the past, including popular ones like Kafka on the Shore (loved it in the beginning but grew weary of it at the end), or The Wind-up Bird Chronicle (I didn't like it that much, kinda hated the protagonist). Guess why I went for it? Because the book inspired an anime I love dearly Haibane Renmei. Did I tell you how much I love that little gem of an anime? Tsk tsk, I might have to blog about it later, few animes can make such a big impact on my emotions like that one :).

Hm... life :)

It seems like everyday, I understand myself a little better. You read it right, myself and not someone else. Would it be considered cold or conceited or selfish to say that I'm constantly thinking about my own feelings? But that's just exactly how I think most of the time! I'm highly aware of my own thoughts, down to the tiniest details... But the quiz I did told me that I just happen to possess very high Intrapersonal Intelligence, and there's actually nothing wrong with that. I am just who I am. On the other hand, my Interpersonal Intelligence (people skills) is quite lacking, lol XD. It's always been the case, with me being very socially awkward. When I turned 19, it was when I started to seek an identity for myself. But the problems of low self-esteem started as early as 6th grade for me. My elementary school years were just as happy and fun as anyone could have hoped for. Until now, I long to go back to those days of pure innocence and oblivions quite frequently.

In middle school I went to a bigger school and it was when students started to form cliques. I wasn't particularly a loner, but it seems like I was always excluded somehow. Friends I had, close friends, none. Even so, I was fine with my lack of friends because at that time I was greatly concerned with my body image, lol. And so it went, until a point that I forgot how to make friends. But you see, I was fine, or thought I was.

When I turned 19, that was when things changed. And now at 22, I understand myself way clearer than I would have ever wanted. With understanding comes forgiveness and ease. I'm at ease with who I am now. The Intrapersonal thing adds to that. It explains why I suck at small talks, or why I always feel kind of bored at senseless conversations. Not that I'm arrogant, it's just that I tend to have more to say when it goes a little more philosophical or psychological I guess. It explains why I am so emotional and religious, why I am such a perfectionist, why I procrastinate, why I love to study yoga/meditation, why I frequent personal-development websites, or why I tend to withdraw into myself. The world exhausts me at times.

Being at ease really helps. So far, it makes this semester at school a lot less stressful to me. I take the same amount of classes, but instead of dropping them in fear of failure, I'm sticking to them when I realize I can never be perfect, nor do I have to be one. And I work so much harder now and just do, instead of all talks like in the past. Occasionally I fall back like always, but getting back up doesn't seem as dreadful or impossible.

I will have to work extremely extremely hard if I want to graduate this May. And then there comes the issue of finding a job. I love how my parents are being easy on me about this. Truly my family is the source of my strength, without them I am not sure if I would ever work as hard. And perhaps my family is one thing that I feel so blessed I have, and one thing that I constantly thank God everyday about. Even though I don't really express it out loud, but during the time my depression was at its peak, thoughts of how lucky I am to have parents and siblings who love me so much guided me through that awful period; I just broke down and cried for hours, feeling so sad that I actually let depression took hold of my life when I still have people who love me so, and I love them dearly.

I really want to embark on a journey/travel to some foreign countries after my graduation. Don't we all want to do that at some point in our lives? That day of graduation will come... and I honestly don't want my dream to remain just a dream. Guess we'll see how things play out, well, because life is just so wonderful and full of unknown possibilities. If God agrees with my dream, I know I'll be somewhere when the time comes. In what way I will not know yet, but that's one thing that makes life worth living, right? In the mean time, I'll continue to pray earnestly and work in the best of my ability.

By the way, I'm really into Yiruma's music right now. It soothes my soul, and it helps me getting through my piles of homework and projects beautifully ^^.

Kiss the Rain
by: Yiruma