That's gonna be my lunch/dinner when I go to work today. It's boring stuff again but it's time to restrict myself against food since I've been gaining lots of weight lately. Let see, I have boiled broccoli florets and cut carrots with two hotdogs cut to shapes with a few dabs of soy sauce for taste, otherwise my dinner will be quite bland, and I can't tolerate dullness in my meal, even though, the boiled veggies would still be very sweet on their own.
For the last 4 days or so I started using SparkPeople again, and have been tracking my meals since. By doing so, I came to the awareness of how much calories I'd put inside of me without tracking it carefully. I'm trying my best to lose up to at least 35 pounds by the end of this year, so that means I have to continue eating in the range of 1200-1500 calories per day to lose around 2 lbs per week. And to think that in the past I used to stuff my mouth with 2 to 3 sweet rolls at snack time that is around 350 calories each, eek >___<; This tracking system is so useful because now, before I stuff anything in my mouth, I have to think. That puts away my cravings to some points.
I don't know if any of you is like me but I can eat real well and healthy, but don't you go eating in front of me!!! Temptation tends to get me -__-; and then I'd eat even more to satisfy my cravings later. That's why all my last diet attempts backfired. This time I don't think of my eating this way as too much of a diet, but a choice to eat better and healthier. Once I think like that, I was able to overcome some temptations as of late, lol. Lately, I can feel that my health has been going badly, so another reason for this change is that I'm so scared of being so obese and then I will become more prone to catch other illnesses associating with obesity. I remember one morning I woke up and felt horrible after a heavy night of eating; my whole body ached so bad and I couldn't breathe all that well. I was so scared and told myself that that was it, that was enough, I don't want to be heavy and fat anymore. It wasn't that I was a laughing stock to some people though I can feel how uncomfortable I am when I go out being heavy. I even dread going shopping because I tend to not fit in most clothes I love T^T. And I don't see why I have to go on feeling bad about my fat stature. But the health issue was really what got me the most. If there's one thing I sincerely hope to attempt at the end of this year, it's to lose enough weight to feel healthy. Let's see how things will go from now.
What else have I been doing... I've been taking pictures but too lazy to edit them, been crocheting but not quite finish, been watching a lot of foreign movies, been keeping myself busy saved for yesterday when I just roamed around the house doing nothing, you know, days when you don't want to do anything...
Yesterday night was so strange, or more like, I felt so strange last night. It was a night that I felt total serenity, and could even palpate my existence around me. Nothing mattered to me, my emotions went to sleep or something. I just knew one thing and it was that I existed and I was happy, a very quiet happiness with utter satisfaction. Just a little bit earlier I was arguing with my brother over something stupid, and 10 minutes later I went into a total phase of silence coupled with tranquility. It was just weird I tell you. Now that I think about it, you know... I remember thinking to myself at that moment that if someone was to order me to die right that instant, I would have happily complied.
You know, I think about death quite a bit recently. Not in that suicidal thought mind you, but just that I'm curious about death. And I've been living day after day now having this constant thought that I should appreciate every moment I have on earth in case I'm to die tomorrow. Who knows right... That weird kind of thought gives me strength and tolerance and understanding, believe it or not. Because of me thinking about that last stage of my life, there is nothing matters as much anymore. Silly arguments, hatred, envy, I let them go. Every moment counts... I wonder if that was because I feel my health getting bad that I start going into a sort of defense mode to protect myself... Who knows, my mind is wired so strange.
Oh well... life goes on and I have to get to work now, lol. I hope you all have a good day!!!
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