By: Selah
This is the song that keeps me going whenever my heart is burdened.
It's such a cozy day today, though not that much for driving :). We Midwesterns are experiencing quite a big snow storm since Sunday afternoon, and uni was canceled today for me, which is rare really. The funny thing is, I did not like the cancellation at all; I was actually looking forward to having my printmaking class today so that I could ask my professor for suggestions and help on my newest drawing. Unlike the last one, which I struggled all throughout, this one came to me relatively easy, and the process of drawing was really enjoyable. I'm kinda worried now because the drawing hasn't been etched or printed yet; and I had to turn in the porfolio this coming Thursday!!! The bad thing is... the snow won't stop until tomorrow, and by then, the snow would be up to around 12 inches or so (hopefully it won't be that bad), and I'm not sure how I will handle driving around in ~that~, lol.
So... I finally deactivated my Facebook account after three months of non activity. I don't think I'll be missed, lol XD, nor will I miss it. It's a nice social network site, though it's just too much stimulation for me, and I can't handle stimulation all that well. The old dear best friends I used to have I was unable to find online, and now I'd prefer to contact the few current friends I have via emails, phones or face to face :), also, I once lost quite a bit of personal information so now I'm always kinda nervous to have too much of my info online for others to see, so deactivating seemed a welcoming approach. Actually for a period of time I hated Facebook and how superficial it is to see everybody 'keeping in touch' with shallow comments, or 'collecting' friends just for the sake of it (I had seen people with over 1000 friends, what the heck!). Of course, I was like that too, friending people I know briefly for like one day, or accepting request for friends from acquaintance of my friends. It's rather pathetic... I guess it was during the time when my acceptance of myself was low, and I couldn't tolerate the fact that I had not much friends in real life therefore the race to add as much people I know to the list as possible so that I won't have to appear as 'uncool' or 'unsocial' (I got so irritated when a manager made a joke on how I only had 30 friends or so on FB, and that she wasn't good enough to be my 'friend', seriously, people like that get on my nerves!). Now that I look back, it's just so silly. It feels like high school and popularity contest all over again, and I want no part in it... there're just too much attention seekers and it gets tiresome having to see constant status updates, sometimes for things that I don't care to know about at all. Ah well... it's over now, and I have no regrets closing it out on me. Now, I don't hate it anymore, because I no longer care... I guess when you have no interest in something, you will see mostly the negative parts of it. That could have held true in my case; my life is not affected by the decision by any means because I wasn't fond of FB to begin with. I feel lucky I'm not addicted to it, as it opens door for me to connect with the few people I know on a much more personal level, and to leave time for me to study and for recreational activities and hobbies. And lately, I'm learning to give myself more time alone because it's my temperament (being an introvert) and not feeling bad about it; as well as being more open and honest to myself and to others. Now I can be silent in the company of another without feeling the guilt and urge to 'speak up', because I'm just acting myself and not trying to please everyone I come in contact with. It's exhausted to be agreeable all the time so that I would be liked. Man, I guess some people I know figured it out that it was all an act, lol? I was desperated for friendship a while back so I did all I could to be agreeable and likable, heheh... and it backfired really, because nobody likes a faked person.
Btw, I'm in love with the beat of this song "Hot Girl". Actually, this song is a 'controversial song' amongst the hot girls in Vietnam right now. I don't care, just thought the beat is awesome, and the lyrics aren't that bad :).
HOT GIRL
By: Hoang Hai and Manh Quan
Anyhoo, I'll go back to study now. Ja!
Quiet Thursday morning...
Listening to a dear old friend's piano playing, and suddenly I couldn't stop the tears from rolling.Though they aren't tears of self-pity or of sudden emotional grip from such an inspiring piece of music... but of that realization of how horrible I must have been to the people around me came to me in full force.
I was so wrapped up within my own self, I lost tracks of all the close people around me, of their struggles, their needs for support, and even their happiness.
Solitude is something that I embrace... though with this solitude came an ignorance that seems disgusting now. For the past several years I repeated burdened my sister with occasional tantrum and breakdowns at how much I pity my own life, with its lack of true friendship and excitement. Now that I think about it, I'm the one to blame. I'm really sorry sister, for only venting my 'own' frustration, totally ignoring your emotional distress living alone far away from the family. I carried on with friendship and hid away my true self, only to complained later of how 'abandoned' I felt by not having enough attention and care, though truly have I cared enough for someone to receive the same kind of love back? I don't give but expect to receive all the time.
It's truly unhealthy to live a life knowing of only me, me and me.
Now is really a time to change.
P.S: For everyone that actually cares to read and follows my little blog, thank you very much.
I can't get this song out of my head ^^. Lately, I'm pretty impressed with the Vietnamese music industry. Originality it does not have much, but you can tell they're trying hard and that alone gives me such good impression :).
EM TRONG MAT TOI / YOU IN MY EYES
By: Nguyen Duc Cuong
Em đẹp không cần son phấn xinh thật xinh thật xinh... rất hiền...
Không quần jeans giầy cao gót em chọn riêng mình em áo dài duyên dáng...
Giống như hoa kia bên thềm ngát hương không khoe sắc màu ngàn đóa hoa đang rực rỡ không sánh bằng...
Nhẹ nhàng tung bay tà áo dài... Em phụ nữ Việt
Ánh lên bao rạng ngời người Phương Đông
Người đẹp dáng xinh hay vì anh đang ngập tràn hạnh phúc bên em bừng lên khúc xuân xanh ngời...
Người con gái Việt mặc chiếc áo dài
Đẹp khắp bốn phương... một nét Á Đông
Một ngày nơi xa chiều buồn lang thang tình cờ ngang qua
Một tà áo trắng một bờ vai xinh tôi không quen
Lòng chợt ấm áp gửi làn gió nói về miền yêu thương
Tôi Yêu Em Tôi Nhớ Em
I'm reading some good books lately. Let's see, I finished not too long ago the first in a trilogy by Suzanne Collins called The Hunger Game. It was a great book and after I got to the last page I found myself hopping onto Amazon to order the second one right away which was just released not too long ago. I guess I was fortunate to read The Hunger Game later than most people, hence I didn't have to wait for long for the publish of the second one: Catching Fire :). But now I'm engaging myself in another huge novel, a second one by one of my new favorite authors Carlos Zafon: The Angel's game. Let me tell you, I'm looooving it so far. As far as I know, I wasn't that drawn into it as much as the first book I read of this author The Shadow of the Wind, but this one really is going in a new direction and still is very good on its own. At the same time, I'm reading another book (at a more leisure pace since this book is a difficult read) by Haruki Murakami, another favorite author of mine, and the book is called Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. Some people don't care much for this book but I found myself liking it a tad bit more than his other works in the past, including popular ones like Kafka on the Shore (loved it in the beginning but grew weary of it at the end), or The Wind-up Bird Chronicle (I didn't like it that much, kinda hated the protagonist). Guess why I went for it? Because the book inspired an anime I love dearly Haibane Renmei. Did I tell you how much I love that little gem of an anime? Tsk tsk, I might have to blog about it later, few animes can make such a big impact on my emotions like that one :).
It seems like everyday, I understand myself a little better. You read it right, myself and not someone else. Would it be considered cold or conceited or selfish to say that I'm constantly thinking about my own feelings? But that's just exactly how I think most of the time! I'm highly aware of my own thoughts, down to the tiniest details... But the quiz I did told me that I just happen to possess very high Intrapersonal Intelligence, and there's actually nothing wrong with that. I am just who I am. On the other hand, my Interpersonal Intelligence (people skills) is quite lacking, lol XD. It's always been the case, with me being very socially awkward. When I turned 19, it was when I started to seek an identity for myself. But the problems of low self-esteem started as early as 6th grade for me. My elementary school years were just as happy and fun as anyone could have hoped for. Until now, I long to go back to those days of pure innocence and oblivions quite frequently.
In middle school I went to a bigger school and it was when students started to form cliques. I wasn't particularly a loner, but it seems like I was always excluded somehow. Friends I had, close friends, none. Even so, I was fine with my lack of friends because at that time I was greatly concerned with my body image, lol. And so it went, until a point that I forgot how to make friends. But you see, I was fine, or thought I was.
When I turned 19, that was when things changed. And now at 22, I understand myself way clearer than I would have ever wanted. With understanding comes forgiveness and ease. I'm at ease with who I am now. The Intrapersonal thing adds to that. It explains why I suck at small talks, or why I always feel kind of bored at senseless conversations. Not that I'm arrogant, it's just that I tend to have more to say when it goes a little more philosophical or psychological I guess. It explains why I am so emotional and religious, why I am such a perfectionist, why I procrastinate, why I love to study yoga/meditation, why I frequent personal-development websites, or why I tend to withdraw into myself. The world exhausts me at times.
Being at ease really helps. So far, it makes this semester at school a lot less stressful to me. I take the same amount of classes, but instead of dropping them in fear of failure, I'm sticking to them when I realize I can never be perfect, nor do I have to be one. And I work so much harder now and just do, instead of all talks like in the past. Occasionally I fall back like always, but getting back up doesn't seem as dreadful or impossible.
I will have to work extremely extremely hard if I want to graduate this May. And then there comes the issue of finding a job. I love how my parents are being easy on me about this. Truly my family is the source of my strength, without them I am not sure if I would ever work as hard. And perhaps my family is one thing that I feel so blessed I have, and one thing that I constantly thank God everyday about. Even though I don't really express it out loud, but during the time my depression was at its peak, thoughts of how lucky I am to have parents and siblings who love me so much guided me through that awful period; I just broke down and cried for hours, feeling so sad that I actually let depression took hold of my life when I still have people who love me so, and I love them dearly.
I really want to embark on a journey/travel to some foreign countries after my graduation. Don't we all want to do that at some point in our lives? That day of graduation will come... and I honestly don't want my dream to remain just a dream. Guess we'll see how things play out, well, because life is just so wonderful and full of unknown possibilities. If God agrees with my dream, I know I'll be somewhere when the time comes. In what way I will not know yet, but that's one thing that makes life worth living, right? In the mean time, I'll continue to pray earnestly and work in the best of my ability.
Kiss the Rain
by: Yiruma
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